The Art of Abandonment
I've been in college for almost three years, and I can't say I've made a definite friend. This is crazy because I'm almost out, yet I still feel like I'm barely starting college. I have this mindset now that I am alone because life has put me through the wringer so many times to show me that my life doesn't deserve a relationship, a family, or friends. I keep myself busy to avoid thinking of those things. I work until I come home exhausted and collapse on my bed. I can't relate to when people go out with their significant other or friends and post about them because I don't feel that euphoria. I would rather spend my time locked inside my cave or room, playing video games, or just being alone. Or write stories that can take my creative mind to new levels; things I do by myself bring me that happiness. A lot of people tell me, "it does get better" or "it will pass by," and for me personally, I would want them to shut their mouths. I don't want someone telling me those things because they don't make me feel better. It's not what I want to hear; it's what I need to feel. I want to feel that warmth and kindness. I want something like that. But I don't know. I'm a twenty-year college student, so what do I know?
"This is what life looks like. A home, people who love each other, a safe place. You should take a moment and feel it."
The only fictional character that I have been able to relate to on an emotional level is the one and only: Batman. It might be childish to say that a twenty-year-old college student relates to a hero that dresses up as a bat and beats up criminals, but I don't care. There is a reason why many teenagers and older people relate to Batman that the average person might not get; here's my explanation. Everyone knows the origin story of Bruce Wayne: his parents getting shot in an alleyway, and he dedicates his whole life to learning how to fight crime at night. It's simple, but what makes Bruce Wayne tick, what makes him do the things he does, is because of that night - the night he lost his world and himself - his parents. As a kid. I believed that my parents were madly in love. That's why you marry someone, right? You dedicate the rest of your lives to raising your children on how to act and think but, most importantly, to protect them from the world. What's the point in starting a family if you don't love the person you're creating it with?
One night, after a long day, I came home from school and saw my father sobbing outside. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me he had hurt his knee at work, but it looked okay. He acted like he took an arrow to the knee, but there was no sign of a bruise, so maybe he took a ghost arrow to the knee? I went upstairs to check up on my mother, who was casually taking off her makeup. I asked her why dad was crying, and she shrugged, not even a flinch. I was naive, so I believed my father and went to bed. That's when he came in with his pajamas, blanket, and pillow. The veil was new, those typical big soft ones you would see at a flea market, and the pillow he had was from his bed, the one from his side of the bed. It was a beige color, with a few dirt marks from his job whenever he came home to nap. His pajamas were different, though. Usually, he would sleep with no top and just sweatpants but now… he had a green tank top. He never wore a top to bed; he liked sleeping topless. "It's over, mijo." He said. I couldn't sleep that night. I lost my world that night.
The whole point of what Batman does is not only because of justice but because he doesn't want that same act that once happened to him happen to another person, another kid. The same petty crime not only killed his parents but Bruce Wayne as well. Batman was born that night. And I look back now after what happened that night and realize my perception of family and love was murdered. The idea of having a family and lifelong partner scares me now. I don't want that to happen to me as it did to my parents. Why have that? So what? So that my partner can grab my heart, throw it to the floor and crush it into a million pieces? And still, I must be the one to explain to my child, my kid, my life, that mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore? No. I don't want that. I'm scared of that level of commitment, even just to start dating someone. Love is such a slippery slope, it can be the most beautiful thing in the world, but in a couple of minutes, it can be one of the worst feelings in the world. I don't want to add that baggage to my life even more. One less weight to carry in this world.
"Each of us lost pieces of our lives…and hid what was left in the dark. Is this what I want for myself? A world that exists only in darkness?"
Music can have many emotions, from being blissful to being depressed just by words and rhythm. The perfect example that combines the two into one is a song I discovered while playing the video game, Guardians of the Galaxy: The Telltale Series. It came when I was again at my low point, having no one to turn to, and my friends weren't an option. Call me a hypocrite, but like I said: love is a slippery slope. I tried to love, which only reinforced my thinking after the split. It was my fault, and I'd be lying to you to say I wasn't feeling shitty, and this song definitely didn't help. We both clung to each other back then so much. We were two peas in a pod in high school, and many people asked if we were dating. But anyway, in the video game I was playing, the main character talked to his dead mother, having a chance to speak with her again for a limited time. It was emotional, but she had to say goodbye by the end. Before that, they listened to their favorite song, and she disappeared by the end. I played the piece later that night and carefully listened to the lyrics. "It's a livin' thing. It's a terrible thing to lose. It's a given thing. What a terrible thing to lose" It reminded me of who and what I lost: a friend. I pushed her away because I became selfish and thought I didn't need someone who didn't feel the same way I did. There was this perception I always had about wanting to get into a relationship where you can't be friends with someone if you confess their feelings. They wouldn't feel the same way, even if you guys had a bomb relationship. I thought, throw that into the garbage and move on to the next. Throw that great friendship you had with someone and try again with someone else. Invest your time and effort in a new person who might like you back.
As you can see, I had a lousy mentality toward relationships, so I always thought the solution was to always cut off people who didn't like me in the same way. But every time I did that, I would relapse where I felt shitty, and I couldn't go to someone because I just cut them off. I regretted many things I did three/four years ago, and this was one of them. I haven't spoken to Elizabeth in a long time. We got closure about a year ago today, and it was acceptable. Trust me, I wish I could reveal something that would wrap this story in a neat little bow but sometimes, when you reconcile with someone, you don't always get what you want. Elizabeth and I talked, sure, but we both discovered no groundbreaking philosophy. We spoke as young adults, said our pieces, and left it at that. We don't talk, don't follow each other on Instagram, or keep in touch, nothing. We acted like adults, as some would say. But it will never change that I messed that up and lost a friend because I was selfish. Through it all, I wouldn't go back in time to fix it, though. Or maybe I do. I always go back and forth on that. Who doesn't want to be loved or desired? Still have some doubts about me? That's fair.
"hey i just don't know what to say. i'm not gonna cut you off or anything like that, that's crazy. you do mean a lot to me. and i intend to keep you in my life. thank you for being brave and honest. i appreciate you diego"
Movies are such a fun art to consume, and one of my favorites of all time is a comic book movie called “Logan”. This movie impacts me significantly because it shows what I went through up until now. It shows the emotional trauma one goes through when losing everyone one has ever loved and cared for, and the life one once had. One gets to that point when one convinces themselves they are always alone and are isolated with negative thoughts. It makes them bitter, done with life and trying to be good. I don’t need more friends because, through my experience, they’ll leave somehow. Lack of communication, distance-wise, or a bad/good falling out are the ones that come to mind, mainly the ones that have happened to me.
I’m barely twenty, and I’m not saying I’ve lived a whole life, but I’m just trying to convey what I feel now. Almost every friend I once had in high school, I just don’t talk anymore. I once went from texting hella people to now putting on some oldies music, which is fitting because I already look/ act like an old man. I don’t like to talk about my emotions to other people. Can’t even ask my mother to print out this essay without worrying if she is going to read this and think I’m depressed again. I don’t like telling even the few friends I have what I go through. I just think there’s no point, I’d rather hear about them rather than how I’m doing. Instead I want to listen to people on what they’ve been doing, whether it’s work or school or something personal to them. Hear their funny stories about work or some tragedy that just happened to them, I’d just want to listen. I don’t want people to worry about me. I feel like I’m done with that. Doesn’t help that I have a massive beard too, so I feel twice as old, like an old version of myself that I might meet in the future. I don’t want any little sympathy. Save it for someone you care about. They might need some help. You don’t know what people go through.
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“Guess I meant, I dunno…a happier ending…for everyone involved.”
“Here, for folks like us? Wrong city, wrong people.”